Tell me you don’t like me. Tell me you don’t care. Tell me you’ve moved on. Tell me I was a mistake. Tell me something so that I know you don’t want me around anymore. Because everyday, every night, every second every hour I’m still thinking about you, I still want you to continue holding on, I want to do better and not give anymore excuses, I want to show you I care about you in the littlest and biggest ways possible, I still want to connect with you because you mean so much to me, even though I was the worst decision you’ve probably made. I fucking miss you, I really fucking do. So please, if you’re reading this, give me a sign, give me something so I know what we have is still not in existence. Because until then, I’m not letting go, moving on, or forgetting about you.
Just one of those nights where I sit in my room, door closed and think about everything. I’m an emotional guy and when something emotional happens to me, it’s like a domino effect towards everything that goes on in my life. I have nothing forward to look to anymore. Not even starting school in the fall. I’m not looking forward to interacting with anybody. I’m not looking forward to parties. I’m not even looking forward to my major as I was just a few weeks ago. I’ve always laughed at people who let relationships or girls get in between their dreams and success and education and lately, it feels like I fell into that hole. The problem is I get attached and fall real hard for a girl. And when I plan out certain things with them, I always want it to fall through. Nothing has a meaning to me anymore. I just don’t know what I have to look forward to. Everything’s complicated. I’m not focused on my priorities anymore. I don’t know what to do except pretend everything’s okay.
All this time, I thought I had just made little mistakes here and there and didn’t think of it that much. But it turns out I made much more than mistakes. I caused a girl that I really wanted something special with to feel like she wasn’t good enough. And that’s what pretty much pushed her away. I tried hard, but I failed without even realizing it. I thought I had did all that I can, but that wasn’t until recently after she made me realized it. I fucked up. I fucked up and now it’s too late to redeem myself. It’s too late to make myself better for her. It’s too late for everything. I lost the only opportunity I get to start something with someone as amazing as her. Now I realize that a second chance wouldn’t even come close in the future. She’s going to be the one to move on first and find someone who can truly give her happiness. She’s the one that deserves someone that will treat her like the princess that she is. She’s the one that deserves better. It hurts me still that I lost her, but the pain is still there because I realized I hurt her more and I realized that this was all my fault.
Something just tells me that this isn’t a full goodbye. No expectations, but I just feel like we’re going to link back somewhere down the road, and if that happens, what a blessing it is. I can be upset and hate this all I want, but it won’t get her back. Moving on is definitely not an option because my feelings and interests are still there. I don’t see myself with anyone else but her. Granted, it has only been a couple of months, but the conversations were endless and it made me look forward to so much with her. Heart broken that we had to stop here, but I’m happy I was able to spend my summer with her. I’m happy she gave her a small chance to prove myself to her, and I’m happy I made the decisions I did with her.
I’m fucking lost. I’m wrecked. I dont know how to feel. I dont know what to do. I have no clue where I can even go from here. Why did you do this to me. Why can’t we just like each other like normal couples. I did everything you wanted. 3 months later, I’m left not even feeling like I’m back at square one, but more like I have no hope in anything I set my mind to anymore.
Always an uneasy feeling for me when I know I messed up and you’re the one that points it out to me. There are things that I’m just not used to because I’ve never thought about it been through it. I get it, I understand, but it’s only after I have already caused the damage. It’s been a few months, relationship is stronger but there are still weak spots because of me. There are still things I can’t seem to do right. It doesn’t matter how many things I do right, it won’t cover up for the mistakes I’ve done. I try so hard to be the best that I can be, but I still feel like it’s not enough. I just wish things could be easier so that I don’t always feel how I feel, and think how I think. I just wish the pieces fit together more perfectly for me so that I can have something great going on for me.
Daniel always said that I chose girls that are still fed up about their last man. No matter what you tell me, the fact that he is still brought up already makes me wonder different. I hate that feeling of never being enough for someone. Maybe that’s why I’ve done the things I’ve done these past few years. So that I don’t have to meet anyone’s standards of be compared to someone else. I had a mindset to enter college and have the college experience. But I decided to maybe take things more serious. I decided to let myself like a girl and build a relationship from ground up with her. I opened up to her. I cared about her. I cared about where this relationship was going and maybe, just maybe, this would be my first relationship where it would be smooth sailing. No bullshit, no ex, no nothing. Just you and I. It doesn’t like that’s the path we’re headed on. It seems like you’re more interested in going back to your old life, than start a new one. Even though it’s just a thought, I can accept the fact that you want to study back in your hometown. I can accept the fact that you’ll be further away from me than what I had planned. I can accept the fact that I won’t be able to see you on the daily. There are many things I can accept, but then you bring up the school you really want to go to, your ex does to. How do you want me to expect you’re over your ex. How do you expect me to be just fine about the idea. How do you really expect me to feel about that. Damn, that was the fucking icing to the great news. So many things have bothered me, ticked me off, made me think differently when you vaguely bring him up. But damn, this gave me a ‘fuck you’ in the face. You get mad when I talk about a girl I just fucked and had barely any feelings for and it seems like you’re expecting me to just shrug it off when you bring up you’re moving back home and going to school with a guy you were in a relationship with for 5 years. That 5 years of yours will never account to the few months we’ve been talking. I guess I sort of thought it through and instead of what I had planned and wanted to do, I’ll just let whatever happen happens. Maybe that way the disappointment won’t be as bad, reality will just be reality, and the healing process won’t be more than a few months of moping around and being to myself. I really just wanted to start on a fresh path and not have to worry about anything. My mind is now just a bunch of jumble thoughts. I want to not give a fuck, but I already care way too much. Idk what I want to tell you. I’m in a little to deep. I like you a lot. I don’t want you to go. This ain’t a movie though, all those words don’t mean anything once the decision is made. I’ll continue to do my best in committing to you, I’ll continue not to constantly fuck up. I’ll continue to do my best so that you realize I won’t be going back to my old ways. Because in the end, if I lose it all, I can say I tried.
It shouldn’t even matter if I tell the truth or not. It shouldn’t matter if I prove myself I’m not playing around. It shouldn’t matter how I honestly and truly feel and want to happen down the road. Because all of it to you will seem like the same moves I’ve made to the other girls. You ask me questions I answer truly and deeply. I tell you every little detail there is. I tell you nothing but the truth but little did I know, you would use them all against me. So no matter how I hard I try, there will always be doubt. There will always be trust issues. There will always be the sense that you dont give a damn. Idk why I still want to try knowing I won’t have much of a chance. I know you have your reasons but how will you know what I have to offer if you don’t let me in, if you twist my words take me as a joke majority of the time. It has to come the point where I just say the things I know you want me to say or say something that does not make me end up looking like a fool. I’m back to square one all over again. Started the year proving myself to a girl who didn’t listen to a word I had to say, and it looks like I ended it on the same note. Well played Nhan, well played.
Everything’s just a fucking joke.
you’re doing exactly what I hope you wouldn’t.
When I’m around kids younger then me, i act like im mature:
Me around kids:
me around people my age:
Anonymous asked: who you like?
review yourself, and ill tell you